What do we get out of life?

When did we start to develop a conscious ability to make decisions that lead us where we wanted?
Why do we do it?
Why do we do what we do?
Do you do it with a motive?
What if things don’t turn out the way we wanted?

(These are the thoughts and questions that course through me when I penned down my feelings in the following paragraphs)

I see all kinds of patients each and everyday and I am constantly reminded of the fragility of life. When I smile and attend to the patients, it gives them joy. At the gloomiest of days, even a smile is like being handed a million dollars. We have taken the smallest gifts for granted and yearned for the stars above our heads. Why do we fight for these ideals?

There once was a man that was born with a genetic disease of the kidneys but he worked his way up to become a top investment banker in an internationally reputable bank. He could afford his medical bills consulting the best doctors in private clinics, live a good life and provide for his beautiful family. 20 years later, he discovered he has cancer and his kidney disease has caused him to require a transplant. This man has the kindest soul and the most optimistic attitude towards life. But, the kindest of souls does not always get the kindest of outcomes in life. Or do they?

The biggest question on my mind is, what is the relationship between doing good deeds with good thoughts and a good outcome? Is there a correlation at all? We often tell ourselves that good people beget good things in life. To what extent is this notion true? Take the perfect example, the most unpopular president of America, Mr. Donald Trump. He has made countless unfavourable decisions as a political leader and made countless ruthless comments that hurt others. His actions also tell us that he couldn’t care less about the people below his social class and the way he treats people is just plain rude. In this case, may I just refer to the famous quote by George Orwell, “Ignorance is strength.” His ignorance of karma somehow turned around and became his strength.

In summary, I think no one can ever predict the outcome they will get in life. The most important message is to be truthful to yourself and do what you feel is right (not what society depicts to be). Live everyday with moments where you appreciate the people around you, count your blessings, thank the universe for your good fortunes and spread the love and joy on.




Inner Reality

Time stops.

I hear the shuffling of the tall untrimmed grass with the rhythm of the wind. Hearing distant voices of traffic and the presence of life. But I look around and I see acres of green. I see the full panel of the skies. A sunset gradient, fading into the green lush beyond the hills.

Where am I?

I begin to feel the earth beneath my dress, fluttering with the breeze. My fingers dug into the ground. Gripping it for support. Psychologically. No sign of civilisation. Almost like I fell into a trance and transported myself to my mind palace. A place where time stands still and you are taken into a reality created by what your heart and mind desires. A place to escape the truth, a place to think and feel without influence, without opinions.

How long has it been?

I usually get out of an illusion in a split second. This feels closer to reality. A feeling like I’m meant to be here and a quest is waiting for me. He wind stops now. The silence made my heart beat sound louder and faster. Each thump is a rebellion of force prying it’s way out of my chest. I counted my heart beats to mimic the passing of time. The watch on my wrist doesn’t work. Time is irrelevant where I am. We are often so wired with an clock works telling us where to be, when to be and who to be at the same time.

I closed my eyes. Excepting the sudden state of reality. I am lost, but not finding a way out. I hear sounds, but only in my head. I have no one, but I am unafraid. I am one with myself.

What has humanity become ?

In light of the recent controversy in the newest upload by famous Youtuber, Logan Paul in his daily vlogs, I feel the need to bring up this issue and share my thoughts along with the rest of the YouTube community. I’m not jumping in on the bandwagon to chime in and gain viewership or anything. Just want to be able to reflect on the state of humanity and also give an unbiased view of how the general population felt about the issue as well as an idea of why this might have happened.

The background of what happened and what the deleted video entails can be found everywhere when you Google his name.

I don’t have to elaborate my consensus as with everyone else in the right mind. I would like to just provide a logical explanation as to why I understand why Logan Paul made this grave and unforgivable mistake.

In his growing self obsession to be the best entertainer, highest number of subscribers and views and most famous youtuber, he has definitely lost himself in this journey. The same picture has been painted by many youtubers who has raised their concerns as well. He is white, attractive, charismatic, young, rich, self entitled, self obsessed and privileged. These adjectives already describe the perfect recipe for disaster. He has lost his passion for the art of creating an art form on the widely viewed YouTube community to inspire others. He has no intention to inspire anymore. He became obsessed with his viewership and likes in his daily vlogs.

A simple analogy to help you slip into his shoes. As we become a more and more of a social network driven society, we become self obsessed. Intently editing and uploading the best image of yourself on IG to gain likes. Just as you were in the midst of that, the waitress comes in with your order and you were too obsessed to say thank you. This is a very small act of disrespect to the people around you. This act is only forgiven because of its magnitude and the growing number of people actively doing it, but it should still not have happened.

The case with Logan Paul was of a more serious nature. Using the thumbnail and title hooks, using a dead body as an appeal for people to click on it. He and his team has obviously no respect for that man. There’s just so many things that are wrong at so many levels. The thought that it would make great content going to the suicide forest which is such a sacred place in Japan, the whole crew of them going there expecting to find bodies and thinking it’s okay, the team of people editing the video and didn’t feel the need to stop him from releasing it, no one around him stops him from doing such outrages acts, just to name a few. What is wrong with not just him but his social circle?

Next, the amount of likes the video gained. I just cannot. Who in the right mind actually likes such content? To think that there are people out there that thinks finding a dead body of someone who went there to commit suicide was funny and quality content, that just out right crazy. Again, what has humanity become? Do we have no respect whatsoever anymore? I think this lesson should be reflected upon by everyone and learn that we can all treat each other with a little more genuine respect.



Waves of sorrow

I’m not one to understand or diagnose to have depression. But sometimes I think I truly relate to that feeling.

This boiling sense of sadness like larva that keeps spewing out uncontrollably. A butterfly effect; a slight memory either happy or sad triggering a tidal wave of emotions that adds on to the intensity of the larva churning deep down. The feeling of wanting to be alone, in a dark room, curled up in bed and letting life pass by your face. Finding solitude and peace in the fact that you don’t have to participate in activities or responsibilities. Just being dead, but not dead. Maybe, dead inside. The mental decision to remove your existence from the face of life. Not having to think, make decisions or worry. Essentially an excuse to feel nothing. And then these tears, it’s like your body doesn’t need water to function anymore. It just keeps removing it. Crying becomes involuntary. And this vicious cycle comes in where you don’t know why you’re crying but you’re still crying.

These are just snippets of my life where this feeling creeps through my veins. But not enough to diagnose it as a serious mental disorder or dysfunction. We need to also, understand that there are people around us feeling this constantly. I can’t imagine how that must feel.

Just some late night expressions. Goodnight world.




When you pull me close, my head resting on your chest as I feel your warmth and heart beating, along with your gentle breathing in sync with mine. A sign of how alive and strong we are. The intensity Unfathomable and Unwavering. Like the solar flares that hits the Earth’s magnetic fields shining light upon our souls. It’s beauty immense and strong. A sight never to be forgotten. As we talked about our years to come, sprouting flowers and green as we pave the road ahead. The feeling of warmth and light fill our hearts as the journey ahead lights up, where our telepathic strength ignited the passion of building a future we could only dream about before this moment. With a flush of emotions lapping ever so strongly against the previous wave, warm tears stream down over the smile across my face. The notion of hope and power triggered a heartfelt solace into a future that once seemed foggy and uncertain. As our fingers intertwined, our breaths exhaled softly and I could almost feel your smile mimicking mine, there’s no doubt we both knew it felt right.

Life and its facade

Life as we know it is never truly the same at every time point. Life as a child, adolescent, adult, elder. Perception shifts like a pendulum, always returning to its beginning. An entry point, an exit.

In the eyes of a child, the picture seemingly bright and hopeful. In the eyes of an uninspired adult, a bleak but hollow end to the tunnel. The facade of life.

In each perspective, life goes on in constant speed and volume. Just as a time point cannot be expanded or altered. But the frame we capture in our minds differs and that’s the beauty in humanity. Whatever we say or do does not have a direct impact on the nature of life as we know it, but the nature of your perception. The existence of life passes us like a river. The “what” is constant but the “why” ever changing. The outcome dependent on the action. The infinity of past and future gapes before us – A chasm whose depths we cannot see.


It was one but a dip in probability. A tug at a line so weak, that humanity is questioned when it should have been dealt with utter faith. Trust is lost, shattered and buried.

He walked on a line so thin, gazing through the open valley beneath, the wind ever so gently teasing that flame within. Shaken but committed, unfazed by all environmental distractions, he gave humanity a chance. To look beyond the present moment of emotions. But the light of hope from redemption, hitting his skin with immense warmth and love. The power of hope shall never be belittled. For one who doubt it shall cower away and blame it on luck and forever live in the uncertainty of the dark forest.

Is it luck or the doing of your actions? Luck is defined by men who are incapable of deciphering the abnormality in the pattern of probability yet eager to give it its name. The world is a better place where we are driven by rationality and actions that are reminded of consequences. A theory proven time and time again.

A picture depicts the silhouette a man standing in a tunnel with a split road, both a sign of life and hope. But what is the life the man wants? An action leads to another and another. The pain of a moment saved him the pain of a lifetime. A wrong turn ignited a fire within that made its mark on the walls. The art of a dancing flame. Barely painful but enough to leave its scar. A sign of hope in humanity.



Dream A Little Dream || Tears Into Laughter (12.02.17)

As I nap, longer than usual, entering a next phase of sleep cycle, a sleep so deep, my memory churns out images and my cognitive turns them into moving films. This is the story it created…

A marriage turned into graduation ceremony. Sounds of weeping from a wedded Wife and Mother. As I walked with my red coat, it slowly chimed in with fits of laughter and college cheers. I grew increasingly nervous about what’s to come. Questions hit me like bullets through my pounding heart. Who’s marriage? Why am I involved? What should I say? WHy are there college cheers? Where am I? Who are they?

As I walk in the grassy pavement lined with ancient stone arches leading up to a great white building where the event was held. My coat was too big. I couldn’t stop walking. My Grandmother appeared to my right and handed me a special red coat. I exchanged it quickly and sped off. As I entered the building, darkness consumed me and day turned to night. I stood there for a while and my eyes soon adjusted and led me to an empty chair. I see throngs of people sitting and awaiting their turn to enter the stage to receive their scroll. The seat beside me soon became empty and I was wondering where the ushers are. I was clueless, when is my turn? A guy without the red coat everyone else was wearing, trudged up beside me with an attitude. He laid down low on the chair and hung his legs up. His head was so close to me, I skeet away. Disgusted by his attitude, I took stance and observed my surrounding in hope of familiarity.

Shawn, was smiling and clutching his scroll and congratulated by his friends. He walked by me with that suave motion that made the butterflies swoon all over my tummy the way it did all those years back.  I didn’t say hi. I smiled in my heart and acknowledged that we are graduating together. School has brought our unscheduled destiny, together once again. Then, I saw Quenten at another section. Finally! I almost ran to him. I touched him but he was coolly reading a book with shades on. Not sure how he can still see anything in such dim lighting and shades on. I was surprised by the nonchalant attitude. Seeing an empty chair in front, I took a seat and sulked when I noticed justin beside me. More than happy to entertain me, we chatted for a while and he was reading a book too. I rest my head on his shoulders and the scent of familiarity washed over me. I opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of the book he was reading. It’s a sketch story of the latest movie I watched. I jumped in exclamation and we jumped into the topic right away. I reached behind for Quenten yet again but got shunned off. I’m not sure what I did but he won’t budge or acknowledge me. Justin nudged him a little and pushed him to tell us what’s wrong. He didn’t want to. What did I do…
A loud music started ringing through the air. My alarm…